During a recent (and by recent we mean way, way back in 2009) TED talk delivered by master of coital jubilation Mary Roach, ten secrets of orgasm were unpacked. Or unloaded, if you will. These are the secrets you never really wanted to know about–then again, you probably did. You’re here, after all. Onward!

According to the British Dictionary (because how could we not fall back on the British Dictionary when given the choice), orgasm is defined as “the most intense point during sexual excitement, characterized by extremely pleasurable sensations and in the male accompanied by ejaculation of semen.” Yummy. We’ll go ahead and append the following, refining the dictionary definition a wee bit further: it’s one of the best, best things you can do in life. Sexual intercourse can be an important part of personal physical and emotional health, so achieve orgasm every chance you get. Good advice?

Anyway, Roach’s talk begins with a delightful snippet about viewer discretion; always a good start. As it turns out, experts in the field have held a variety of relatively interesting/wildly crazy theories about orgasm over the course of human history.

Here are just a few of the ten highlighted theories you didn’t know about:

Up-suck is the idea that muscle contractions during a female orgasm are responsible for sucking semen through the vagina and cervix, straight to the waiting egg. It was for this reason men were once so heavily pressured to pleasure their female partners. It’s a shame those days are long past. Although some evidence for up-suck was documented in various animal species, Homo sapiens was not one of them. Sorry, ladies.

Roach references Observations of In Utero Masturbation. If you don’t know what that means, we’ll elaborate: Your boys are learning before they’re even born. That’s right. The devil gets to them while they’re young. Hopefully you’re okay with that. Anyway, Roach was making an obvious point: sexual maturity isn’t necessary to achieve orgasm. More importantly, one doesn’t even need genitals in order to climax. The only muscle one really needs in order to hitch a ride to Pleasure Town is the mind. That, and a properly functioning nervous system of course.

If you’d like to hear about the rest, check out the video above or head over to TED. We highly recommend you watch, especially for the illuminating man-on-pig action. If you’d rather not see that, however, then feel free to let us know your thoughts on the subject of orgasm with a well-worded, colorful comment below. For the love of gods, though: please, please, please keep it PG for the kids who are inevitably reading about up-suck. Those sneaky devils.

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About Author

Jeff is a self-proclaimed pragmatic futurist; that is, he has high hopes for absurd life-altering technologies which sound too good to be true, and probably are. Although he writes on a variety of subjects, his real passion is for technological innovation and the people who make it happen. By day, he enjoys fuzzy bunnies, kittens, puppies, roller coasters and a sardonic written word or two. By night, he's busy running MMR, replaying a random Final Fantasy game, or pretending to be Batman. He currently resides in Upstate NY.